|Vintage maps and charts tree, £19-£38 (depending on height), Bombus|
It's almost time to put the tree up! It has been decided in my house, following a Louis vs. Rick-style bout of instant messaging on November 22nd (with me in the Louis role), that ours will go up at some point next week:
10:23 me: URGENT
10:24 When are we putting up Christmas decs?
2nd week of Dec?
Andrew: Jeezo peeps
a tad early no?
Cos I'm going away!
10:25 Andrew: is this what passes for urgency these days?
me: 2nd week of Dec is only a week and a bit 'til Xmas!
Yes it's urgent.
10:26 me: No
Week of 10th-16th
Is when we'll put tree and decs up.
So not so urgent then.
I see my input was ignored
me: but you said the 8th
...and before that you thought the 2nd week of December was too early!
10:27 me: yOU'RE MENTAL
So anyway, usually we have a real tree. I pride myself in being able to cram a 7-ft blue spruce into an old Mini without losing an eye/windscreen. I love the smell of a real tree. I obsess over arranging my hundreds of family baubles just so, watching decades' worth of history re-emerge in an explosion of glass and tin and glitter and glitz. I fetch the chocolate-headed angel, the only one I didn't eat as a small child, from her tupperware box at the back of the kitchen cupboard (where she lives for the rest of the year to save her from possible mouse consumption), and once again marvel at her resilience.
But this year will be different. This year, we are experimenting with a FAKE TREE THAT ISN'T TRYING TO BE A CHRISTMAS TREE. Come along for the ride, won't you?...
|Christmas Tree wall sticker, £21, Red Candy|
This Christmas tree wall sticker is available in a variety of colours, from grey to orange, pink to dark red. If you live somewhere teeny-tiny, but still want a festive focal point in your living room (plus something to arrange the presents beneath!), this could be the perfect solution.
|Medium clear acrylic tree with black snowflakes, £29, The Modern Christmas Tree|
This acrylic tree by The Modern Christmas Tree comes in four sizes, from small to extra large, and in variations of clear and black. It's supplied with flat snowflake decorations to hang in the holes, but if you'd like a 3D Decoration Extravaganza, you can buy 3 for £10.
|Pink feather tree, £20, B&Q|
I am pre-programmed to hate this with every fibre of my being. And yet. And yet. There is something absurdly amazing about it. It's Moulin Rouge does Christmas. Did I mention it lights up as well? Yeah, because pink fluffy feathers might have been too subtle without some kind of illumination.
|Christmas tree poster, £11.99, Firebox|
Nothing screams "Fuck you, Santa!" like haphazardly tacking a giant poster of a Christmas tree on your wall. Well, actually screaming "Fuck you, Santa" might. But that's not recommended in the vicinity of children/Santa/Rudolph/the Elves, so if you're feeling bored of Christmas already and simply can't be bothered this year, this poster is just the thing for you. It makes me laugh. Lots.
|JULMYS cardboard tree, £15, IKEA|
THIS IS MY CHRISTMAS TREE! It comes with a selection of Christmassy stickers which I don't like, so instead I will be decorating it as I would a real tree - lights and plenty of baubles (although I admit, I'll have to be selective this year. Choc-head Angelette will still be making an appearance, don't worry).
If you like this style, but would prefer something a bit fancier, the wooden tree at the top of this post has been découpaged with vintage maps, meaning no two trees are the same. Bombus also sells a sheet music version, and a floral fabric one. Beware - the photos make them look quite big, but in fact the largest is just 28cm. They'd look lovely on a table, though.
|White glitter tree, £150, John Lewis|
This white tree looks like, um, a tree - but not a Christmas tree. Cover it in nothing but white fairy lights, or showcase your biggest and brightest baubles - either way, it will look tremendous. Or tree-mendous.
Oh, stop groaning. You loved it really.
I leave you with this: A PAC-MAN CHRISTMAS TREE!