Friday, 10 May 2013

Sluttery Sales Spy: ASOS, Anthropologie & Aldo



Q. Where in the world can we find elephants, lions, walruses, peacocks, dinosaurs, and tigers living together in perfect harmony?

A. Right here in Spysville. Please do not feed the animals.

THE DRESSES

Emily & Fin Oranges & Lemons dress, £30 (was £50), ASOS

She's mega-happy, and wouldn't you be? Let's examine the facts: oranges and lemons (bells of St. Clement's just out of shot, and ringing up a storm); pockets to keep your five farthings in; cinched-in waist; twenty quid off. Totally worth getting tinnitus for.

Fleur's hydrangea dress, £69.95 (was £138), Anthropologie

Who is this Fleur and why are Anthropologie trying to flog us her dress? Does she know? Should we tell her?

No. Let's just buy it and keep quiet. Maybe they'll chuck in the tights for nothing to buy our silence. Fleur can never know.

(I think she was a '70s art teacher.)

THE SHOES

Peep-toes, £12 (was £24.99), H&M

Well, now we know what they get up to at H&M HQ all day. Someone cracks open the Berol brushtips and they set about colouring in pairs of shoes. Nice.

Melissa Papel shoes, £35 (was £55), ASOS

I'm as completely unsurprised as you are to discover that I am ACHING to have feet that look like they're encased in a brandy snap basket. As we are all aware, Melissa shoes smell like bubblegum, but I'm hoping they'll have given special dispensation for these to smell like Mama B's store cupboard, circa. every Christmas, 1984-1997.

THE JEWELLERY

Metsa cement ball earrings, £28.40 (was £43), Fab

I could describe these earrings as cement balls, or I could describe them as volcanic balls (because they look like volcanic rock, innit?) HOWEVER both of these descriptions are going to lead us pretty rapidly down a merry path of innuendo that I think we'd all rather avoid. So we are just going to move swiftly on with the briefest of conspiratorial nods and ABSOLUTELY NO eye contact, lest we start to giggle about balls. 

Sam Ubhi dinosaur charm bracelet, £15 (was £40), ASOS

Here we have a discreet and stylish dinosaur for the discerning palaeontologists among you. This little Wristosaurus will keep you company as you rummage around for dino-bones, or watch re-runs of Friends, or whatever it is you people do in the name of research.

THE HOMEWARE

Elephant ring holder, £6 (was £12), ASOS

I can't help but think that ASOS have misunderstood their own design. Surely the rings go on the elephant's trunk? Otherwise it would just be a dish. Either way, I love it. It's dishy.

Sir Walrus bottle opener, £6.95 (was £16), Anthropologie

Life has suddenly got a whole lot better for us ALL, hasn't it? I mean, just look.

Our old muckers, the Anthropologie copywriters, have not let us down - do they ever? "A maritime gentleman", they write, "ready to uncap frosty or fizzy beverages". His fetching hue? "Black Motif" (no idea). But wait - they've been usurped by the customer reviewers! 

"Despite his good looks, Sir Walrus is a terrible bottle opener, and my children were very upset when he broke the necks off their special bottles of fizz during Christmas lunch."

Do we think the walrus comes alive when he enters your home? It sounds like he's been galumphing around this poor woman's dining room, leaving a trail of death and destruction in his wake. Could the discerning palaeontologists help? Do they know anything about modern-day walri? Are they the new dinosaurs? Should we be worried? Can anyone get Steven Spielberg on the phone? So many pressing questions.

It's not all bad news on the walrus front, though. Anon of Finland is here to put our minds at rest: "Despite the other comments, I have found this walrus very capable of opening bottles."

Panic over, people. 

LIONS & TIGERS & PEACOCKS, OH MY! 

Aldo Abegaila shoes, £39.98 (was £55), House of Fraser

These shoes are QUITE LITERALLY the best and worst things I have ever seen in my whole life. That's all I have to say on the subject.

6 comments:

  1. I love Fleur's dress. I'm definitely taking that off her.

    And the Aldo shoes - I was lucky enough to see them in real life the other day. Lions AND tigers AND peacocks in a strange slipper form - Oh my.

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  2. That walrus MUST BE IN MY LIFE. I don't care if he's crap at his job.

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  3. Look at the elephant! He's so patient - "on the trunk. Come on. Next time. You can throw better than that. There we - oh no, never mind."

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  4. The shoes, oh my, the shoes!

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  5. THE SHOES! I need peacocks on my feet.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Might of just bought the dino bracelet. I needed it in my life.

    ReplyDelete
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