Friday, 9 August 2013

Sluttery Sales Spy: & Other Stories, Zara and People Tree



Don't get too excited, but we're playing a game of Shag, Marry, Avoid at the end.

THE DRESSES

RiRi dress, £25 (was £55), Oasis

How gorgeous and summery does this model look? She doesn't look too sure about her RiRi dress from Oasis, though; in fact, she looks like she's just smelled a fart. TOP INSIDER FASHION TIP: wear yours with a completely different expression to be totally on-trend this season. I've heard on the grapevine that the winning face equation right now is mildly pissed off + slightly out of breath after climbing the stairs x just seen something truly unbelievable in the middle distance. We'll see a visual representation later on, for those of you who aren't that good at maths.

Abstract print dress, £60 (was £225), Jaeger

Jaeger - not a place I find myself shopping in very often - has an awful lot of nice bits at the mo. This abstract print dress used to be a whopping £225 (madness, I tell thee), but it's down to a very respectable £60. I love the shape, and the print, which is like a million scratchy fountain pen scribbles, without the excruciatingly skin-tingling noise. I have to shake my wrists when I hear that noise. I don't know why.

THE BAGS

Braided bag, £25.99 (was £39.99), Zara

Isn't this Zara bag just the perfect shade of yellow? Like the yolk of a perfectly-poached egg, shining through the white. Like the fading stripes of an end-of-season bee. Like a bowl of homemade custard. Like... yeah, you get it. It's a really nice shade of yellow.

Trains travel bag, £40 (was £75), Cath Kidston

We've already seen Cath Kidston's train print on a dress, courtesy of our Sara. I'm very fond of this matching overnight bag, which I think I'd enjoy using as hand luggage on planes or ferries. You just know an elderly gent would make an "amusing" and "entertaining" comment about you getting your modes of transport mixed up. Oh, chuckle.  

THE SKIRTS

Floral midi skirt, £30 (was £50), ASOS

Hold me. I ADORE THIS SKIRT. As in, just bought it levels of adore. It's just so... blowsily brilliant.

Check skirt, £12.99 (was £39.99), Zara

I'm also pretty keen on this tweedy check skirt from Zara, which they're pretty much giving away now. TWELVE POUNDS NINETY-NINE PENCE! The price has already gone down twice since I started writing this. Let's have a closer look at the Spanish version of super-cheap:


It's very Penélope Cruz at a Burns Supper, isn't it? 

THE SHOES

Patent leather wedges, £33 (was £65), & Other Stories

OOH - these patent wedges from & Other Stories are so shiny, they'll double as a mirror. You'll need some pretty top-notch yoga skills to be able to admire your own reflection in your shoes, but I have faith in your abilities. You can remove that slim gold ankle strap if you want to, but it's beyond me why you would want to.

Satin sandals, £23 (was £45), & Other Stories

Hello, dancing shoes! These are smashing - chunky heels, T-bar straps, satin, and colour-blocking. And if someone spills their drink on them, you'll be able to quote Cher Horowitz and say:

"Ruin my satin shoes, why don't you?"

So not fixable.

THE TEES

Worn By safety pin tee, £15 (was £30), ASOS

Ta-da! THIS is the face of the moment. It's like she's just climbed the Eiffel Tower, only to see a sign hanging from the sun/moon [delete as time-applicable] telling her that the view is closed until further notice. A sort of touristic bitchface, if you will, beautifully executed in a photographer's studio while wearing this Worn By safety pin tee from ASOS

Faces print tee, £24 (was £30), People Tree

At last, the Hairy Bikers, Cherie Blair, Tiffany from Eastenders aka Martine McCutcheon, Ozzy Osbourne, and Russell Grant are united on one t-shirt. It feels like my life is beginning anew. 

Let's end with some questions. I do so like it when we have questions, don't you? (That wasn't one of the questions. Put down your pens.)

1. Do you shake your wrists to rid yourself of the horrible skin tingle caused by scratchy fountain pens, fingernails on blackboards, and blowing into a harmonica?

2. If you had to play a deluxe game of Shag, Marry, Avoid using the following people:
  • The Hairy Bikers
  • Cherie Blair
  • Tiffany from Eastenders aka Martine McCutcheon
  • Ozzy Osbourne
  • Russell Grant
... and the following categories: 
  • Shag
  • Marry
  • Avoid
  • Invite to dinner
  • Go on a fortnight's holiday with
... how would you answer?

On you go. Don't be shy. 

14 comments:

  1. Ok, so:

    Shag Tiffany from Eastenders aka Martine McCutcheon
    Marry The Hairy Bikers (good dinners, they're away all the time)
    Avoid Cherie Blair
    Invite to dinner Ozzy Osbourne
    Go on holiday with Russell Grant. He would be a SCREAM.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I know you told us not too, but I got really excited and skipped straight to the quiz at the end.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Have you gone away to think about it?

      Delete
    2. Yes. It's a tough call.

      Delete
    3. Right ... after careful consideration ...
      Shag Tiffany from Eastenders aka Martine McCutcheon
      Marry Ozzy Osbourne
      Avoid Cherie Blair
      Invite to Dinner Russell Grant
      Go on a Fortnight's Holiday With Hairy Bikers on their bikes

      Phew, does that mean I can get back to work now?

      Delete
  3. I love "touristic bitchface", by the way, and will be practising hard before my Next Top Model audition.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I was watching last night and it seems the most popular model face right now is 'could definitely be on Loose Women as a guest presenter who thinks she's better and prettier than the others'.

      Delete
    2. Heh. I'm actually practising it at my desk. It's a little bit Princess Diana eyes, a little bit Bitchy Resting Face.

      Delete
    3. Makes achange from the ubiquitous duckface!

      Delete
  4. I would...

    Shag Ozzy Osborne
    Marry Tiff from Eastenders
    Avoid Russell Grant
    Invite to dinner Cherie Blair
    Go on a fortnight's holiday with The Hairy Bikers

    Can we do this all day instead of writing?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. What's wrong with Russell Grant?

      Delete
    2. We'd fight about astrology being utter mousebrains, then I'd kill him.

      Delete
    3. Hold up, I was confusing him with Christopher Biggins. I need to start again.

      Delete
  5. I have to start again - I though it said Russell Brand!

    ReplyDelete

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