Friday, 21 February 2014

Sluttery Sales Spy: Joy, Oasis & Zara Home



This week featuring FREE UNICORNS! I am not lying. 

THE DRESSES

Okay, so, I love this jacquard dress, as does Mollie from The Saturdays, but don't let that put you off. I have a coat in this exact pattern and it has two stories attached to it (not physically attached, you understand, although the thought of safety-pinning bits of paper around my person has a certain appeal). 

Story #1: Once, when I was merrily wearing my beloved coat while walking down a hill in a rather insalubrious part of town, I was surprised to see in my path a sofa sitting on the pavement. The sofa, as you may have guessed, was upholstered in the identical fabric of my coat. I don't know how it feels to turn up to a party wearing the same dress as another guest, but I'm guessing that sharing a street with a pee-stained sofa dressed like you is just as awkward. 

Story #2: Approx. two minutes later, as I continued my walk, a man shouted - very aggressively - at me, "Who the fuck do you think you are, wearing that coat, Sarah fucking Jessica Parker?". The answer of course was no, no I didn't think I was Sarah Jessica Parker.

What I'm saying is, buy this dress. But be on red alert for sofas and men.

Louche Modesto dress, £25 (was £55), Joy

This Modesto dress from Joy has been marked down to the modesto price of £25. But I didn't pick it out simply to repeat the word modesto over and over again - fun modesto though modesto that modesto is modesto - oh no. Firstly, it is lovely. Secondly - some would argue more importantly - it allows me to segue into the main news bulletin of today:

*jaunty jingle*

BREAKING NEWS: when you spend £75 at Joy they GIVE you a dress covered in UNICORNS for FREE!

*newscaster runs shrieking to Joy*

*test card*

Louche Earla unicorn dress, FREE* (was £35), Joy (*when you spend £75+)
And here it is! You can buy it full price, of course, but where's the fun in spending £75 on dresses there, eh?

THE BAGS

Deena & Ozzy arrow lock bag, £30 (was £48), Urban Outfitters
I'm beginning to think that teal green is the most practical colour for a bag. It goes with A LOT, doesn't it? My hair was once this colour. It went with a lot, too. 

Trains carry-all bag, £16 (was £24), Cath Kidston
Now. Cath Kidston describes this train bag as being "big and sturdy enough to carry a good few weeks' worth of tinned spaghetti". While I admire and applaud the correct apostrophe usage, I must quibble the rest of the sentence. Big and sturdy as I'm sure it is, what if I eat a tin of spaghetti every day, Cath? What if I'm buying five weeks' worth of spaghetti in one supermarket trip? Oh Cath. That's 35 tins. My arms, Cath. My arms. I'll have the weird post-shopping arm shake for DAYS, Cath. WHAT HELL HATH YOU WROUGHT WITH YOUR CHALLENGE, CATH?

Smashing bag, though.

THE SHOES

Gingham-trimmed Oxford heels, £59.95 (was £118), Anthropologie
Oh hai, ribbon laces. You fiddly little blighters, you. I wish I knew how to quit you. You drive me crazy every time I need to put my shoes on quickly, with all your gentle pushing and prodding and artful arrangement demands. But I love you. The rest of these gingham-trimmed heels is wonderful, too.

London Rebel Golan loafers, £28 (was £40), ASOS
I'm just going to have to go ahead and buy a pair of tasselled loafers, because every time I see some, I twiddle their tassels (stop it, you at the back) and sigh with longing. These splendid London Rebel Golan loafers are contenders. Oxblood! Shiny! OOH!

THE HOMEWARES

Multiple Portrait cushion cover, £4.99 (was £19.99), Zara Home
I don't know who these people are, but as this cushion cover is from Zara Home, I'm going to imagine they are ancestors of Penélope Cruz and Javier Bardem. Javi and Pen should be the king and queen of Spain, should they not? Queen Sofía is brilliant, and Princess Letizia is a total babe, but they ain't no Penélope.

Present Time Dip-it storage shelf, £27 (was £49), BrandAlley
This Dip-it storage thing (they call it a cabinet; it's not) by Present Time is pretty ace and acely pretty. I did experience a pang of oh-I-could-make-something-like-this-myself, but let's enter the real world for a moment to admit that I won't be doing that any time soon, despite winning the Craft & Design prize at high school.

SWEARY CANDLE OF THE WEEK

Fuck candle, £8 (was £25), Urban Outfitters
It's a fuck candle. There isn't really much more I can say.

I wish to know about everything, but mainly: what you've been buying; whether you've ever inadvertently dressed like a piece of furniture; and how much you love unicorns on a scale from 1 to 10, 1 being not at all (as if!), 10 being MORE THAN LIFE ITSELF. I am a 10. 

19 comments:

  1. No-one, even in an aggressive, smart-arse fit of git-pique, has EVER looked at me and composed an SJP comparison heckle. Laura B, those stories just illustrate your iconic style status. My new resolution: to coordinate with a piece of discarded soft furnishing.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I though my bank balance was safe this week until I saw that cushion. It is ridiculously, shamelessly kitsch and I love it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I love it too. And it's such a bargain.

      Delete
  3. Aw, the FUCK candle is already sold out. :(

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. There is only one response necessary here: aw, FUCK! I shall keep my eyes peeled for more sweary candles in the future!

      Delete
  4. I love 11 out of 10! SO MUCH LOVE FOR THEM! If I had a horse, I would glue a horn to its head and pretend it was a unicorn. I wish I was a unicorn. UNICORNS.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I said 'unicorns' so many times in that comment, yet missed it out in the first sentence. Well done me.

      P.S. UNICORN.

      Delete
    2. Also, what did you win the Craft & Design prize for, please?

      Delete
    3. It was just for general excellence in the field of Craft & Design, really. Not one particular thing. Woodwork, mainly. I made some quite elaborate furniture, if memory serves me correctly. And then painted it bright orange and blue. Irn-Bru chic.

      Delete
  5. I'd like to wave the flag for the Pegasus. HORSE WITH WINGS. They're often overlooked because of their horned friends, that's a bit sad.

    Obviously the answer to this is a Pegahorn.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Pegahorn sounds amazing.

      I am pro-narwhal, because they are like underwater unicorns but also - whisper it - real (look away, Sara. Look away).

      Delete
  6. Those gorgeous shoes are already gone too.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, bugger. No wonder, they were wildly reduced and so pretty!

      Delete
  7. Who the fuck do you think you are, wearing that coat, Sarah fucking Jessica Parker?" made me actual lol!

    ReplyDelete
  8. My better half (hah! a likely story) nearly caused a road accident today - he was driving and came up with one of his nonsensical comments on seeing a 'beware horse and rider' traffic sign: "Ah - watch out for flying horses!" - bad enough, you might think, but he then followed this with "...bejasus!!" - and fell about laughing at his own witticism. This flummoxed me till I realised he was corrupting the word 'Pegasus'... if he hadn't been driving at the time I would have thrashed him soundly...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, at least he amuses himself, Anon! Ha!

      Delete

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