Friday, 20 June 2014

Sluttery Sales Spy: Zara, French Connection & Topshop



The sun has got his hat on*, and he got it half-price in the sale. 

* Hat-wearing suns subject to availability. See weather forecast for full terms and conditions. 

THE DRESSES

Louche Julita dress, £29 (was £59), Joy

Joy's Julita dress is such a lovely shape, and it's made even lovelier by the fact it's covered in a "conversational William Morris-style print". So let's have a conversation about the William Morris-style print, shall we? It is SO NICE, until you realise that it appears to be showing us a glimpse into our Orwellian future, where cats the size of houses preside over the countryside. Round the back, there's a pig on two legs, and a stramash about a windmill.

Let's have a closer look, so we can be prepared:


Some animals are more equal than others, I guess. SOMEBODY FETCH THE DREAMIES QUICKLY. 

Shimmer Shower dress, £75 (was £250), French Connection

French Connection is in the midst of a tremendous sale. No fannying about, just ruthless slashing of prices left, right and centre. It's a money massacre. This Shimmer Shower dress has made the cut, and it's down from an unachievable £250 to a doable-on-a-good-day £75. You'll be like a walking meteor shower, but hopefully without having to field constant questions about whether or not you killed the dinosaurs. SO TEDIOUS.

THE SHOES

Margate shoes, £18 (was £32), Topshop

I hear overgrown toddler chic is very in this season. WHO AM I KIDDING: it's always in. Toddlers are COOL. These Margate shoes from Topshop are suitably garish, cutesy, and resplendent with straps and buckles. I LOVE THEM. Give the stonewash rolled-up jeans a miss, though - toddlers do not approve of that shit.

Gold slingback sandals, £15.99 (was £25.99), Zara

I'm making it my mission to get a scalloped edge into every Sales Spy. This week's scallop action comes courtesy of these gold slingbacks from Zara. Now, you might say this is more of a wave, a squiggle - an undulation, even. But I consulted an Independent Scallop Adjudicator, who just happened to be a scallop himself, and he said: DEFINITELY SCALLOP. I use the past tense here because I ate him straight afterwards.

THE BAGS

Louche Cressida bag, £19 (was £39), Joy

The Cressida bag from Joy is "styled like a vintage camera bag", and WAIT FOR THIS GUYS... I might buy it and use it as a camera bag. It's not padded, and it doesn't have all those fancy dividers inside, but it's got to be better than the large sock I am currently using to house my camera. You don't see David Bailey whipping lenses out of a sock, do you? I mean, you don't seem him whipping them out of a Joy handbag, either, but whatever.

Satchel, £20 (was £36), Topshop

The official name of this satchel is Large Clean Satchel. I'm imagining the Topshop bag naming meeting: it's been a long day, the coffee's running out and everyone just wants to go home, put on their pyjamas the moment they walk in the door, and eat Lotus spread out of the jar (such a coincidence that they all want to do that very same thing, but I guess it must be a pre-requisite of the job or something). Anyway, having spent the day coming up with a constant stream of retail gold ("This one reminds me of Scotland, and that girl from the Fantastic Four!"... "Totally getting Irish hill vibes from this one!"), they are now at a loss as to what to call their last beautiful bag. "Well", says the work experience girl, "it's, um, large?". "BRILLIANT!", says Ian, Head of Bag Naming. "Think of one more word to describe it, and we can all go home!". "Uh... it's... well... it's CLEAN!". *cheers* *back-slapping* *instant offer of permanent employment for genius work experience girl*

THE STATIONERY

Bourney scissors, £9.95 (was £18), Anthropologie

Question: why don't I already own scissors that look like an elephant? Answer: because they used to be £18. Now they're in the Anthropologie sale, and I'm going to fill this huge hole in my stationery arsenal immediately. There's also a stapler that looks like a... what? It's orange and stripy, so I'm going for tiger, but I'm unsure.

Shit Just Got Real notebook, £4 (was £6), Urban Outfitters

Shit just got real, kids. Shit just got really fucking real. 

How are you all, and what have you been buying this week?

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