Friday, 1 August 2014

Sluttery Sales Spy: Everything Must Go!



GUYS. Sale it ain't so. Hilary's refusing to come out of my handbag, Derren's sobbing quietly under a taxidermy tiger, and I've already had to put myself in a jar of uncooked rice overnight to absorb my excess tears. 

THE DRESSES

Heidi wiggle dress, £22.99 (was £29.99), Lindy Bop

This is my dream dress. It's so dreamy, I don't know whether I've featured it in Sales Spy before, or if I dreamed that too. There's a lot of dreaming going on over here. It has, as you can see, many excellent qualities, and it is also perfect match day attire for glamorous Aston Villa fans - Prince William, David Cameron, Tom Hanks and Father Ted's Pauline McLynn, to name but a few. Pretty sure they all read Domestic Sluttery, so you'd better be quick if you want to beat them to the dress.

Lolly dress, £25 (was £36), Sugarhill Boutique

Do you remember the pictures we used to make as kids? (It sounds like I'm about to break into nostalgic song here, and I might have done if I could think of anything but lids to rhyme with kids.*) You know, the ones that called for layer upon layer of multicoloured wax crayon, topped with black poster paint, which we then maniacally scraped at until we had some vestige of a violently allergic dolphin or a hideously bruised trout? You probably made one just after designing a "clock" using a paper plate and a twirly paper fastener, and right before you filled that cat litter tray (the one you were told to bring in on your first day) with sand. Or maybe yours wasn't a school for wannabe cats, as mine clearly was.

ANYWAY: good. You remember the pictures. This lolly dress from Sugarhill Boutique is the fabric version of those, perhaps with a less waxy smell. I love it. HOWEVER. Those are NOT lollies. They're ice creams. Either way, I'm hungry for a frozen treat.

* I later thought of bids, grids, skids, forbids, and rids, but none of those made for a particularly inspiring or uplifting song. We have no time for dirges today.

THE SHOES

Park Lane cat shoes, £28 (was £40), ASOS

I can't work out which famous person this tiny grey cat looks like. I'm getting hints of a downcast Tobey Maguire, a dash of bored Jake Gyllenhaal, a soup├žon of unimpressed Joaquin Phoenix, and undertones of one of the BBC's weather forecasters (name unknown) when there's an area of low pressure over the Atlantic heading towards Wales. Maybe it's the lovekitten of all four. Suggestions down in the comments, please.

Irregular Choice Veja Du shoes, £55.50 (was £109), Let's Buy Shoes

If you've ever wanted your feet to convey the message HAPPY LO♥VE - and I'm certain that you have - today is your lucky day, my friend. Irregular Choice's Veja Du shoes are currently hovering around the half-price mark at their outlet store, Let's Buy Shoes. And if for some peculiar reason HAPPY LO♥VE is not your shoe slogan of (irregular) choice, they come with all these options:


HELLO MOUSTACHE
LO♥VE HAPPY
DREAM I ♥ BOY

A poem by Laura Brown
THE BAGS

The Leather Satchel Co. 14-inch mint satchel, £50 (was £131), Brand Alley

My front door is this colour! Or at least it was, until a small child squirted it with Ribena. Probably the same child who posts the remnants of her lunch through my letterbox on the way home from school; a half-eaten sandwich here, a banana peel there, sometimes a segment or two of satsuma or the sticky remains of a Wham bar. Occasionally these are accompanied by a small-but-entertaining sketch, usually involving a cat. Once, when she unfortunately timed the posting of her empty yoghurt carton with my opening of the door, she simply burst into a jolly song about my shoes, the chorus of which was the lyrically perfect "Shoes! Shoes! Shoes! TWO SHOES!". It's hard to feel annoyed in the face of such brilliance. 

Moral of this story: keep your new mint green satchel firmly closed when small singing children walk by clutching their lunchboxes. 

Tunnock's teacake wrapper tote bag, £12.35 (was £16.50), Gillian Kyle

Tunnock's teacakes have always been a Sluttery favourite. I'm partial to the dark chocolate ones - in fact, I just ate a squashed one that I found in the bottom of my handbag (I tried to tempt Hilary with it, but she's more of a caramel log girl, apparently). If you visit Uddingston, near Glasgow, you can tour the Tunnock's factory (fully booked until 2016, though) and go to the Tunnock's tearoom where you can buy RARE and HARD-TO-FIND Tunnock's creations such as the Florida orange wafer (10/10, would recommend). Failing that, you could buy yourself a giant one (inedible), or - more sensibly - snap up Gillian Kyle's teacake tote bag in the sale. FACT: Tunnock's sent Gillian 500 teacakes to use as her wedding cake.

THE HOMEWARES

World map flask, £7 (was £14), Urban Outfitters

I already have a perfectly good flask or three, but I do not have one covered in THE WORLD. This is the perfect way to caffeinate your adventures. Sit on a rock, pour yourself a coffee, and plot journeys to faraway lands. It doesn't matter if the rock's just in your back garden - mighty oaks from little acorns grow.

Little bit of gardening advice for you there, since you're outside on the rock anyway.

Condiment crayons, £6 (was £12), Urban Outfitters

GIANT condimental crayons for making a GIANT bruised trout picture! Black paint, scratching implement and cat litter tray not included.

PETITE PICKS

Love & Hate elbow patch sweater, £14 (was £20) and floral Bardot dress, £33 (was £55), both ASOS Petite

Tall girls got a very special farewell present yesterday in the form of Kat's ultimate shopping guide. Petite girls: I have found you this most excellent sweater (I know it's not sweater weather, but since Christmas decorations will start going up in shops NEXT MONTH, I am forward planning on your behalf). Avid caption-readers will know already that the elbow we can't see says HATE. We have no room for hate today, so I chose the one-elbowed photo. 

Slightly more summer-appropriate is this beautiful Bardot dress, another ASOS Petite find. I love this. If only I wasn't 5'8", it would be mine. Go forth, petites, and make me jealous. No, I'll be fine. Go on.

PLUS SIZE PICKS

Safari skater dress, £19 (was £28) and vintage floral sundress, £21 (was £39), both ASOS Curve 

And you, my plus-size pals, don't go away empty-handed either. No, you get this lovely gold-plated carriage clock and a Blankety-Blank chequebook and pen safari dress. I've written about this dress before, but the Curve version is nicer, with longer sleeves and MORE ANIMALS! And I love this floral sundress - the straps are wide enough to hide a decent bra, and the pattern means you can loll about for the rest of the summer sipping an array of fabulous cocktails without fear of spilling. You can pour those drinks down your front and no-one will know. Probably not the best idea you've ever had, but whatever. 

And that, my dear Spyettes, is that. I have absolutely loved bringing you the best of the sales every Friday lunchtime - it's been a hoot, and you've been a gloriously funny, enthusiastic and encouraging audience. But this is not the end of Sales Spy, oh no. I'm not sure I want to exist in a world where my Thursday evenings don't involve scouring the internet for bargains and being sarcastic about Anthropologie product descriptions - plus I've got a certain pallet entrepreneur and illusionist to worry about. Mama B would be devastated if I abandoned my two handbag housemates. So I'm going to carve out my own little corner of the internet, and continue writing over there, wherever that may be. Follow me on Twitter @enchantedtrifle, and I promise to keep you posted.

Thank you all for reading, and for being so damn great.

Laura, Hilary & Derren 

5 comments:

  1. Yessss! A Laura corner of the internet is one that I really want to play in. xx

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  2. I will miss this column SO MUCH. And all of Domestic Sluttery. Thanks for the good times team. And good luck! *wipes away a tear*

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  3. It's sad that you won't be updating DS anymore, good luck with your future endeavours!

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  4. Have always loved this feature, both the products and your fun way of writing! All the best in what you get up to next!

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  5. This leaves me bereft. I feel awful about having favourites but *your posts* are my favourite, Laura B. In fairness to everyone else, I love shopping but not much of a one fit cooking. I don't use Twitter but I might have to start!

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